New Gamebook called: The Eye Of The Storm

Kyle Cleghorn
New Gamebook. Coming Soon.

I am making a new Gamebook series and this one is going to be awesome. The series is called 'The Eye Of The Storm' its a comedy sci-fi and Action with a bit of horror and gore. The series will be about three parts long or maybe more depends in the ratings.
The new Gamebook will ether get updated or more volumes will come out every few weeks, ether one it will be continued until its finished and if it does not get good ratings, it will be shorter than what am planning it will be.

here is My Profile if you want to see some of my work. though they are not that good but am learning so hopefully this new one will be better than the ones already available.

The Eye Of The Storm Update: Am nearly finished the first part, all I have to do is finish it of then send it to testing (through this site) then its public. the first part is pretty short but its meanly an introduction of what's to come through the series.
I hope you enjoy it when it becomes public.

Kyle Cleghorn
The Gamebook is now in Testing, Here is a small description about it.

Join a team to fight a unknown enemy and discover the truth behind the storms. Fight monsters and decide the fate of everyone around you in this new Gamebook where all decisions has consequences.
This Gamebook is Based on the series RWBY from Rooster Teeth so I do now own the Characters or Places but the storyline is mine.
More Updates For This Gamebook will be added to it every month or so (depends in the ratings).

jaynabonne
The actual game link is here: http://textadventures.co.uk/games/view/ ... -the-storm

jaynabonne
I gave this a valiant effort, and there is some that might well be interesting (the mysterious holes in the sky being one). But I had to squint past an awful lot of punctuation, capitalization and spelling errors. I would suggest you get someone to proofread this for you. (Or request that someone make an editing pass over it.)

As an example, the very first sentence in the story is a run-on (two sentences jammed together as if they were one). It should be "This story [lower-case] begins with a girl with black boots, shirt and a skirt with red inside. She also has dark grey leggings with a red hood and cape." The second sentence has the same problem. It should be "The girl stands in a dark hall way. As she looks around with her silver eyes, she does not see anything except darkness, the same colour as her hair."

As I said, I was able to squint past a lot of that, but it marred what could have otherwise been an excellent bit of work. Just cleaning that up will go a long way toward making this a really worthwhile piece.

Last bit: "As you keep looking you see a girl in black sitting aside a guy with blond hear and white armour, aside him there is another guy in green." Again, the last part is a separate sentence. But... *please* switch these to "beside" instead of "aside". "Aside" is something else entirely.

Silver
Unless s/he meant... astride... :shock:

jaynabonne
I don't think it's that kind of game. :lol:

davidw
I'll echo what jaynabonne said about the typos. This game is just riddled with them. Almost every sentence has at least one, with some having many. As this is a text adventure, the text being as poorly written as this makes it pretty much unreadable.

Kyle Cleghorn
Thanks for your comments :)

I Keep looking for a tester but there has been no luck.

Kyle Cleghorn
Speaking about testers, anyone who would like to do this please just give me a message and we can make a deal, although am not getting anything for these Gamebook but am still willing to make a deal with any one who would like to test my products.

Marzipan
It's true, you do need a proofreader, but you also need to make an effort to proofread your work on your own as well.

You suddenly open your eyes in confusion as you lye against a wall. Your head feels fine as you touch your forehead.
‘You okay?’ a girls voice says. You look up and jump to your feet then give the girl a hug. ‘okay little sis calm down’ The girl says as you squeeze tightly.
‘What happened?’ you ask as you step back and then point to the dark stormy clouds.
‘ah what’ The girl gasps. ‘Ruby? how long do you think you were missing?’ she asks with a conserved look on her face.
‘What do you mean by missing’ you say as you stomp your feet with your boots. ‘Yang?’ you say gently as the girl looks up towards the sky then looks at you again.
Yang is your big sister as she is only two years above you. You don’t have much alike but you both like kicking ass. Yang wears a brown jacket and a yellow shirt with a flower like skirt at the bottom, She dark grey boots with yellow socks and a orange scarf. Yang does not really look like you much because she has yellow hear and blue-ish eyes.



...I know you can spot the problems here. And that kind of begs the question of why you didn't take the time to fix them. I just reviewed this, and sorry if I was kind of harsh, but the number of SPAG issues is really hard to swallow. There may be a great story buried in there and you're obviously enthusiastic about the whole thing, but not many readers are going to get past even the first two pages in its current state.

Kyle Cleghorn
Well maybe I do need help?

I read that piece and I don't see anything wrong with it except that one word 'Conserved' to 'Concerned' so yeah I know I got the imagination to wright but I don't have anything like a tester or a proof-reader to check those 'mistakes and spelling'. I like writing and reading these comments lets me know the things I already know (that I already know I cant spell, and it gets me frustrated) and things what I never held before from anyone. (example: Just cleaning that up will go a long way toward making this a really worthwhile piece.)

Question: Does anyone know where I can find a tester or a proof-reader or what ever you would like to call it.

davidw
I think a lot of your problem might be simple carelessness. You wrote 'hair' as 'hear', started off sentences with lower case letters and used commas instead of full stops. I'm pretty sure if you read through what you've written a few times, you'd spot this sort of thing yourself.

Kyle Cleghorn
I wasn't that good in English and I almost failed it and I am still not that good at English now but that does not stop me putting my ideas out there. As everyone said (so far) I need to resolve my grammar and punctuation, also a few mistakes, That said I have put a lock on the Gamebook so no one can continue it after the first page until I fix the issues on it (well try).

Kyle Cleghorn
Note to self: I never expected over 180 views to this forum. That is really surprising and unexpected.

Kyle Cleghorn
I am almost done looking over it and fixing all the Punctuations and Grammar. I hope I don't miss anything out, if I did please just tell me when you see it and I will fix it as soon as am able, Thanks. After am done I will double (or triple) check it. After that then I will unlock it again so its free to play.

Kyle Cleghorn
The Eye Of The Storm
Gamebook is back Online
here is two new thing about it
- Issues Fixed but if you find any just tell me, thanks.
- Some added Content Available.
I Hope you like it, Hopefully the next time I turn it Offline again is to add the new content of Part 2 and not to fix more problems.

Marzipan
It's improved but there are still issues - I already spotted some punctuation and grammar problems you missed, and just in general there's some very odd wording. I'll sit down tomorrow after work and go over the first few pages in detail if it helps.

For just a brief pop quiz, do you see the two errors in this part of the game's description? "Join a team to fight a unknown enemy and discover the truth behind the storms. Fight monsters and decide the fate of everyone around you in this new Gamebook where all decisions has consequences. "

And no offense but I can tell you already you're going to need to get this Strange habit you have of Capitalizing Words completely at Random for No apparent reason Under Control...

Silver
I failed English. Although far from perfect I've improved over the years by reading and writing often. Talking a lot of crap on the internet helps. :D (and spell checker too!)

davidw
Kyle Cleghorn wrote:The Eye Of The Storm
Gamebook is back Online
here is two new thing about it
- Issues Fixed but if you find any just tell me, thanks.
- Some added Content Available.
I Hope you like it, Hopefully the next time I turn it Offline again is to add the new content of Part 2 and not to fix more problems.


Sometimes I'll find that if I read something back to myself, I can spot errors that I missed when typing it. For example, in this post you've written "here is two new thing about it". Would you ever say that? No, you'd say "here are two new things about it". You'd also capitalise the first word.

You've capitalised "Fixed", "Content" and "Available" but there's no need to do so.

Then you've got "I Hope you like it, Hopefully the next time I turn it Offline again is to add the new content of Part 2 and not to fix more problems."

You don't need to capitalise Hope or Offline. Generally, a word only needs capitalising if it's the first word in a sentence or it's a name or title. The comma after "like it" should be a full stop because that's the end of the sentence.

Marzipan
Silver wrote:I failed English. Although far from perfect I've improved over the years by reading and writing often. Talking a lot of crap on the internet helps. :D (and spell checker too!)


This is the advice I'd give anyone. I wouldn't even know where to start teaching someone how to write beyond objective things like examples of how to use punctuation and such, otherwise it's just one of those things you get a 'feel' for by doing lots and lots and lots of reading. And I mean reading actual novels, not random stuff on on twitter or internet forums. Even though to be fair, given the focus of the site I think the general level of literacy is higher here than most places. :P

Silver
Good point. I tend towards high(-ish) brow discussion boards - that are littered with pedants - rather than youtube comments etc.

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